Feeling Like a disappointment...

Tunky, I am sorry that you have to see your mother like this. Not living up to what a mother should be.
Today, I went to get an ultrasound done and apparently I am not/no longer pregnant. I feel like a disappointment as a mother, wife and a best friend. Your dad wants to have another one of you, yes you. He wants more boys apparently!! And I guess your neighbour up there believes we can't have anymore than what we have now. I am sad and heart broken for your father, but I kinda don't want more. Its more of a mix emotions. Sometimes when I think I want another one, I feel like I am trying to replace you. Which I am not. I just..well, I just...I don't know anymore. I am sorry if you feel like I am disappointment to you and for reasons, you know of now. I surely am a disappointment to my self. That is for sure. Love you and miss you my Tunky Monkey. And I am sorry if I disappointment you!

First of Many...

Well, it has been awhile since I have blogged. Interesting enough, I did okay. Last week for the entire week, I cried like as if you had just passed away. It was hard, sad and very emotional. I was hurting and aching for LJ. I just wanted him here and be able to hold once again. Waiting each night when I tried to fall asleep to see him in my dreams.
Last night, I had a dream. A dream where I was holding him for the first time since he passed away. He had no tubes, monitors, IV's or medication being administered to him. He was just a typical soon-to-be 6mos old who was loving me and allowing me to love him back. I was carrying him while I was walking down the aisle to my wedding to his dad. Wish so hard and so strongly that it was a reality. I miss him so much. I miss you Tunky!
Today, I am tooting my own horn and praising myself for a job well done. I did the unthinkable and threw a private babyshower for my friend. The whole time, I thought of my son, yet was so thrilled that I was able to do this for a friend and be able to get through it without tears. This is the first of many new beginnings that shows that I am trying and doing my very best as to moving forward with life. A life without him, but blessed that we have many moments to look back on and say "I am so proud to call you my son, you are a fighter and I will love you to the end of time..."

Wishing you still here..

These last couple of days have been the hardest to bare. Your sisters, Jalene and Noelani acted as if you were still here. I will admit it, I was very jealous. I wish I can see and talk to you like they do. I miss so much.
I finally admitted to your father that I don't blame him for your death anymore. I am just frustrated that you aren't here to make our lives complete and interesting. Your 6 mos in heaven is fast approaching and the tears are coming more and more. You do have your good days and bad. I guess my bad days are getting to me again. Like it does every time we hit your anniversary. Sometimes, I wonder if I was ever a good enough mother to you while in my tummy, when you were born and even soon after your death. I just hope and pray you are proud of me of my good moments.
Will blog to you later or maybe tonight. I still have so much to say to you. Sometimes I wish I can start over with you.....

Your Making Smile Again

It has been 5 months since my little angel had passed away. And it is one big roller coaster ride I thought I would have never really have to endure. The first 3 months was the hardest, not knowing what to do or really how to deal with your death. Everyone tells me to attend a support group, therapist, someone who is license to deal with "people" like me. I just wish these medical personal, family and some friends would just understand that you can't not force someone to talk until they are ready to talk. Sometimes, you can just push them away further by doing so. At that time, I wasn't really wanting to talk to anyone and just wanted to be left alone. Since your death my Tunky angel, I felt that I really did not have the opportunity to cope alone for you in my way. Wish some people would understand that.
Now that I have gather myself together, thought things a little more, I felt like I have doing okay. Found out I am grieving with food and running. It is not like I could run my way back to you, though I wish I could, but it is helping me cope and grieve. Your dad and I is enjoying to the company of food right now. Food brings joy, fulfillment and relief to some extent. Now I see and understand why people bring food to grieving families. It does help some.
You are making me smile again when I think about you. I hope you know that and know that we all do love you and miss you more and more everyday!!